Working father 1: She told us at the meeting that she was pregnant and was going to have to cut back on her work. We will be starting implementation shortly – such perfect timing.
Working father 2 (who recently hired the female employee in question): Oh. She didn’t mention this at the interview (only a few weeks ago). I don’t have the authority to hire more resources, so I guess it means I’ll have to log in some extra hours and get the work done.
Working father 1: Haha. She won’t be available for a few months.
Working father 2 (resignedly): Well. I don’t know. I guess I would have done the same if I were pregnant.
It is probably a fair statement to say that most working fathers don’t physically get pregnant. Women experience pregnancy and childbirth differently than men, and working mothers certainly deal with this life-changing transition on an entirely different level. And because of (a) biology and (b) traditional expectations of men and women, most men do not have to struggle with life/career decisions such as (a) should I continue working? (b) how can I cut back on my work hours? In some cases, financial reasons make such decisions easy to make (and difficult to implement). But many mothers return to their positions full-time after the customary six weeks off. I have wondered many many times, how working couples deal with work and family related responsibilities without getting burned out. Most other people I know sum this up in one of three ways:
“People do it all the time”
“I don’t know how they do it!”
“Why do these people have kids if they can’t care for them?”
I do hear working couples regularly talk about time scarcity (why, even stay-at-home mothers complain about it). So, I would imagine that if working mothers and fathers were provided with opportunities to manage their work hours so they get to spend more time at home, they would jump. Imagine my surprise when Arlie Hochschild says, most men and women prefer to spend more time at work if they can.
I’ve read Hochschild’s insightful report on two-career parents and how, in most cases, the woman takes on the second shift of housework and childcare. This book, The Second Shift: Working Parents and the Revolution at Home, provided me with more than just material for my term paper while at graduate school. It raised questions that were important, relevant and urgent even though the book was nearly twenty years old. And so I was eager and curious to read her analysis of family/work tensions in The Time Bind: When Work Becomes Home and Home Becomes Work. This book is the result of a study Hochschild conducted at a Fortune 500 company, which goes by the fictional name Amerco, which was then named one of the ten most family-friendly workplaces in the US. Shadowing and interviewing professional men and women (and sometimes their families) at all levels – top and middle management to clerks and factory workers, she looked at if and how the family friendly policies were working (for the company and its employees). Amerco had been offering employees opportunities to manage work-hours by working part-time, flexible hours, flexible locations, or job-sharing with another employee. Hochschild discovered that:
Firstly, Amerco workers declared on survey after survey that they were strained to the limit. Second, the company offered them policies that would allow them to cut back. Third, almost no one cut back.
So, what was happening? One possible explanation was that even though these policies were being offered on paper, many supervisors were not willing to put them in practice. The workers who were interested in implementing such policies did not have the necessary clout, and those with authority were not interested. Even so, both men and women frequently put in more hours than they had to.
Why didn’t they cut back?
For both men and women, more so in the upper echelons of management, hours logged corresponded to commitment. In such a cultural climate, going part-time for a male professional (also for a female professional) indicated lack of ambition, and this could have serious implications in the long-term for one’s career prospects.
I am just as good as you
Women, in particular, reported feeling that their commitment to both realms, home and work, was being questioned when they chose to be working mothers. Being a working mother implied that the their home and children were being neglected (“It takes a lot more than paying the mortgage to make a house a home”). On the other hand, taking time off for childbirth and to attend to family needs implied that women could not prioritize work in the way men could. In the face of male resentment, many women put in more hours than they needed to because “shorter hours meant surrender”. Many organizations do offer “mommy tracks” that offers women the flexibility they sorely need. But the package comes with the assumption of no ambition. One woman employee called for ‘an honorable middle rank’:
We need to be told, “You may lose out on some money or a promotion down the road, but we still value you”.
Work is the new home
For both men and women, and especially the women, home was no longer the haven it was touted to be. As a female employee explained:
“My husband’s a great help watching our baby. But as far as doing housework or even taking the baby when I’m at home, no. He figures he works five days a week; he’s not going to come home and clean. But he doesn’t stop to think that I work seven days a week” [bold emphasis mine – note how the woman categorizes her husband’s fatherly activities as being a favor – a “help”]…
“…Bill, on his second shift at home, would nap and watch television instead of engaging the children. The more anxious the children were, or the messier the house was when she walked in the door, the more Linda felt she was simply returning to the task of making up for being gone. “
Overworked and under-rested, women often felt that they “only get relief from the ‘work’ of being at home by going to the ‘home’ of work”. Hochschild speaks of research that shows that across social classes, fathers reported more “positive emotional states” at home, and mothers, at work. She conjectures that “because women are constantly on call to the needs of other family members, they are less able to relax at home in the way men do”.
Women in hurry use fast appliances, speedy services, and express foods to be “even more amazing”. Only, I know a few who look a tad more distressed than the impeccable Kelly Ripa.
Just a housewife? Devaluation of the work of raising children
Along the years, the notion of kinder, kuche, kirche as the woman’s domain has become less attractive and desirable. Hochschild writes that “the ‘male’ world of work seems more honorable and valuable than the ‘female’ world of home and children”. She says:
The more women and men do what they do in exchange for money and the more their work in the public realm is valued and honored, the more, by definition, private life is devalued and its boundaries shrink. People generally have the urge to spend more time on what they value most and on what they are most valued for.
Women who do paid work, researchers have consistently found, feel less depressed, think better of themselves, and are more satisfied with life than women who don’t do paid work. One study reported that, paradoxically, women who work feel more valued at home than women who stay home.
There are no certificates, annual award dinners, plaques or other forms of recognition offered to mothers (or fathers) who stay at home. With the ‘home’ being a less-desirable alternative, it’s no wonder that fewer women are aspiring to be ‘homemakers’ and fewer men consider it a place to relax and unwind. Even when flexibility is offered by the employer, men and women chose not to opt for it as ‘flexibility’ often translates to ‘more responsibilities at home’.
Is parenting more challenging than work?
Despite extremely hectic work schedules, male and female workers reported feeling more in control at work, than at home with their children. Fathers, in particular, felt more confident that they would be able to “get the job done” at home, than at work. One workaholic male worker commented that “the job of raising three children is three times harder than a job at the factory”. Has parenting changed or are parents resource depleted? In traditional societies, extended families often participate in raising children. With relatives that share and care (and meddle), the task of parenting is distributed and seems less daunting. Modern nuclear families often receive little in the way of social support. Those that lack the financial resources to outsource help suffer even more. (And yet, there is evidence that some women find it easy and comfortable to be mothers. I read recently about how Bethany Frankel manages ‘fame with being a mom to her daughter’).
Weakening family ties
Currently the divorce rates in America (for first marriages) is around 40%. Rising divorce rates have certainly made the home far less secure. The workplace on the other hand offers social interaction, friendships, and a ‘shared’ experience, and is a whole new family. A job represents much more than a paycheck, it is “an emotional insurance policy on the uncertainties of family life”.
Did you have fun babysitting?
To be fair, men are increasingly willing to participate in household chores. Those that don’t pitch in voluntarily, grudgingly acknowledge the necessity of their contribution. However, cutting back is often not a real option for men. Hochschild writes about a male employee (one of only two) who availed the paternity leave (after coaxing an unwilling supervisor into it). While women looked up to him as a hero and cheered for him, male colleagues either chose to ignore it (“Were you on vacation?”) or playfully chided him for taking on un-masculine/undesirable tasks (“Did you have fun changing diapers?”). Undeniably, many men felt that he was setting up a bad example and that their own working wives would begin to pressure them to cut back and help out. Hochschild suggests that
In the modern family, however, “family man” has taken on negative overtones, designating a worker who isn’t a serious player. The term now tacitly but powerfully calls into question a worker’s masculinity.
Indeed, taking care of a child is often perceived as unmasculine, especially by other men. When my father stayed with us to help us take care of an infant while I worked full-time, one of his (male) friends made jabs, asking him “Are you going to be babysitting?”, implying that my father was giving up his current role, to take on an inferior, unsuitable, unmasculine role as a babysitter. The male employee in the story asked, “Isn’t there a thing as a Daddy or Father? Isn’t there a difference between ‘babysitter’ and ‘dads’?”.
Whoa!
Clearly there are no easy fixes to this deeply vicious cycle: more work, not enough time at home, tensions pile up at home, escape to work. Many of the factors that have contributed to these consequences are deeply ingrained in organizational and societal culture. Hochschild calls for a social movement to address the issue, but that really is the subject of another book. How do we even begin to clean this up? As parents continue to suffer, the children pay the real price.
The gender war has to stop! As long as people continue to make assumptions about what men and women are supposed to (or not supposed to do), productive and collaborative relationships cannot be forged, at home and at work. Each family model is fraught with its own challenges – the traditional family with the male breadwinner and female caregiver might still work for some, but clearly makes others unhappy. Even in dual career families, arrangements may differ, but it is essential for both partners to respect each other and to acknowledge each other’s contribution at home and at work (I sometimes feel that a good assessment of workload is to ask ‘how much leisure time do you get?’ In an ideal situation, both partners must have around the same leisure time).
Home and child related work is sometimes invisible and difficult to quantify – try and put a dollar value on it. Yet, it is real, unpredictable, challenging and even exhausting (and so very rewarding!). The home must be valued and so should it’s caretakers, male and female.
Organizations must foster a culture where family-friendly policies are not only offered on paper, but encouraged whenever possible. Family- friendly policies should not be considered ‘women’s issues’. Hours must not be the only benchmark of commitment and ambition. Workaholism must not be rewarded, efficient work should.
All easier said than done.
I do not aspire to be a super woman. I cannot spend nine hours at work (and two hours commuting) and hope to make it up to my child in a protected half-hour pocket of Quality Time. And yet, if I must work, I cannot spend the same eleven hours with my child. I hope to be able to make the right choices, and to be an able parent and a serious employee, to take on what I can, and do really, ridiculously good work.
Happy Reading. And Happy Thinking. 
Time Thieves
Posted in books, tagged sociological commentary, women on November 4, 2011| 2 Comments »
Overheard:
It is probably a fair statement to say that most working fathers don’t physically get pregnant. Women experience pregnancy and childbirth differently than men, and working mothers certainly deal with this life-changing transition on an entirely different level. And because of (a) biology and (b) traditional expectations of men and women, most men do not have to struggle with life/career decisions such as (a) should I continue working? (b) how can I cut back on my work hours? In some cases, financial reasons make such decisions easy to make (and difficult to implement). But many mothers return to their positions full-time after the customary six weeks off. I have wondered many many times, how working couples deal with work and family related responsibilities without getting burned out. Most other people I know sum this up in one of three ways:
I’ve read Hochschild’s insightful report on two-career parents and how, in most cases, the woman takes on the second shift of housework and childcare. This book, The Second Shift: Working Parents and the Revolution at Home, provided me with more than just material for my term paper while at graduate school. It raised questions that were important, relevant and urgent even though the book was nearly twenty years old. And so I was eager and curious to read her analysis of family/work tensions in The Time Bind: When Work Becomes Home and Home Becomes Work. This book is the result of a study Hochschild conducted at a Fortune 500 company, which goes by the fictional name Amerco, which was then named one of the ten most family-friendly workplaces in the US. Shadowing and interviewing professional men and women (and sometimes their families) at all levels – top and middle management to clerks and factory workers, she looked at if and how the family friendly policies were working (for the company and its employees). Amerco had been offering employees opportunities to manage work-hours by working part-time, flexible hours, flexible locations, or job-sharing with another employee. Hochschild discovered that:
So, what was happening? One possible explanation was that even though these policies were being offered on paper, many supervisors were not willing to put them in practice. The workers who were interested in implementing such policies did not have the necessary clout, and those with authority were not interested. Even so, both men and women frequently put in more hours than they had to.
Why didn’t they cut back?
For both men and women, more so in the upper echelons of management, hours logged corresponded to commitment. In such a cultural climate, going part-time for a male professional (also for a female professional) indicated lack of ambition, and this could have serious implications in the long-term for one’s career prospects.
I am just as good as you
Women, in particular, reported feeling that their commitment to both realms, home and work, was being questioned when they chose to be working mothers. Being a working mother implied that the their home and children were being neglected (“It takes a lot more than paying the mortgage to make a house a home”). On the other hand, taking time off for childbirth and to attend to family needs implied that women could not prioritize work in the way men could. In the face of male resentment, many women put in more hours than they needed to because “shorter hours meant surrender”. Many organizations do offer “mommy tracks” that offers women the flexibility they sorely need. But the package comes with the assumption of no ambition. One woman employee called for ‘an honorable middle rank’:
Work is the new home
For both men and women, and especially the women, home was no longer the haven it was touted to be. As a female employee explained:
Overworked and under-rested, women often felt that they “only get relief from the ‘work’ of being at home by going to the ‘home’ of work”. Hochschild speaks of research that shows that across social classes, fathers reported more “positive emotional states” at home, and mothers, at work. She conjectures that “because women are constantly on call to the needs of other family members, they are less able to relax at home in the way men do”.
Women in hurry use fast appliances, speedy services, and express foods to be “even more amazing”. Only, I know a few who look a tad more distressed than the impeccable Kelly Ripa.
Just a housewife? Devaluation of the work of raising children
Along the years, the notion of kinder, kuche, kirche as the woman’s domain has become less attractive and desirable. Hochschild writes that “the ‘male’ world of work seems more honorable and valuable than the ‘female’ world of home and children”. She says:
There are no certificates, annual award dinners, plaques or other forms of recognition offered to mothers (or fathers) who stay at home. With the ‘home’ being a less-desirable alternative, it’s no wonder that fewer women are aspiring to be ‘homemakers’ and fewer men consider it a place to relax and unwind. Even when flexibility is offered by the employer, men and women chose not to opt for it as ‘flexibility’ often translates to ‘more responsibilities at home’.
Is parenting more challenging than work?
Despite extremely hectic work schedules, male and female workers reported feeling more in control at work, than at home with their children. Fathers, in particular, felt more confident that they would be able to “get the job done” at home, than at work. One workaholic male worker commented that “the job of raising three children is three times harder than a job at the factory”. Has parenting changed or are parents resource depleted? In traditional societies, extended families often participate in raising children. With relatives that share and care (and meddle), the task of parenting is distributed and seems less daunting. Modern nuclear families often receive little in the way of social support. Those that lack the financial resources to outsource help suffer even more. (And yet, there is evidence that some women find it easy and comfortable to be mothers. I read recently about how Bethany Frankel manages ‘fame with being a mom to her daughter’).
Weakening family ties
Currently the divorce rates in America (for first marriages) is around 40%. Rising divorce rates have certainly made the home far less secure. The workplace on the other hand offers social interaction, friendships, and a ‘shared’ experience, and is a whole new family. A job represents much more than a paycheck, it is “an emotional insurance policy on the uncertainties of family life”.
Did you have fun babysitting?
To be fair, men are increasingly willing to participate in household chores. Those that don’t pitch in voluntarily, grudgingly acknowledge the necessity of their contribution. However, cutting back is often not a real option for men. Hochschild writes about a male employee (one of only two) who availed the paternity leave (after coaxing an unwilling supervisor into it). While women looked up to him as a hero and cheered for him, male colleagues either chose to ignore it (“Were you on vacation?”) or playfully chided him for taking on un-masculine/undesirable tasks (“Did you have fun changing diapers?”). Undeniably, many men felt that he was setting up a bad example and that their own working wives would begin to pressure them to cut back and help out. Hochschild suggests that
Indeed, taking care of a child is often perceived as unmasculine, especially by other men. When my father stayed with us to help us take care of an infant while I worked full-time, one of his (male) friends made jabs, asking him “Are you going to be babysitting?”, implying that my father was giving up his current role, to take on an inferior, unsuitable, unmasculine role as a babysitter. The male employee in the story asked, “Isn’t there a thing as a Daddy or Father? Isn’t there a difference between ‘babysitter’ and ‘dads’?”.
Whoa!
Clearly there are no easy fixes to this deeply vicious cycle: more work, not enough time at home, tensions pile up at home, escape to work. Many of the factors that have contributed to these consequences are deeply ingrained in organizational and societal culture. Hochschild calls for a social movement to address the issue, but that really is the subject of another book. How do we even begin to clean this up? As parents continue to suffer, the children pay the real price.
The gender war has to stop! As long as people continue to make assumptions about what men and women are supposed to (or not supposed to do), productive and collaborative relationships cannot be forged, at home and at work. Each family model is fraught with its own challenges – the traditional family with the male breadwinner and female caregiver might still work for some, but clearly makes others unhappy. Even in dual career families, arrangements may differ, but it is essential for both partners to respect each other and to acknowledge each other’s contribution at home and at work (I sometimes feel that a good assessment of workload is to ask ‘how much leisure time do you get?’ In an ideal situation, both partners must have around the same leisure time).
Home and child related work is sometimes invisible and difficult to quantify – try and put a dollar value on it. Yet, it is real, unpredictable, challenging and even exhausting (and so very rewarding!). The home must be valued and so should it’s caretakers, male and female.
Organizations must foster a culture where family-friendly policies are not only offered on paper, but encouraged whenever possible. Family- friendly policies should not be considered ‘women’s issues’. Hours must not be the only benchmark of commitment and ambition. Workaholism must not be rewarded, efficient work should.
All easier said than done.
I do not aspire to be a super woman. I cannot spend nine hours at work (and two hours commuting) and hope to make it up to my child in a protected half-hour pocket of Quality Time. And yet, if I must work, I cannot spend the same eleven hours with my child. I hope to be able to make the right choices, and to be an able parent and a serious employee, to take on what I can, and do really, ridiculously good work.
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